We're nine days from leaving and I've been on the phone trying desperately to get our flights moved sooner. It turns out sitting in an empty house with no toys, no home comforts, no Dad/Husband, no (noise dampening) rugs, no books, no chairs and no school to throw the kids into is seriously depressing. I've taken the kids out of school early as I'm so paranoid about them getting Covid and us not being able to fly. But the days are long when you have no school and no toys and no husband to hug or tag-team with. (Within days of him going I texted Sonny and said, 'Well it's safe to say whatever happens I will never, ever leave you. Being a single parent is HARD.')
Annoyingly I can't get us seats together on a flight any sooner. I cried when the travel agent told me. He'd kindly spent twenty minutes checking all the flights on Seat Guru trying to work out the best configuration for us. I'd never heard of Seat Guru before, but it's kind of genius. It lets you input your flight and check the actual seating plan of your plane so you can double check which seats are best for your needs. But sadly there doesn't seem to be one leaving any sooner that I can have the kids within grabbing distance of.
I've done a lot of phone calls and crying in the past few days trying to get our needs met. (If I ever write a book about our adventures it will only contain tear stained pages, no words. All I seem to do is cry at the moment.) I know I'm feeling very wobbly, so I can't imagine how hard things are on the kids. Seeing Woody in crisis has been hard. He's been in a terrible state since we told him we were moving. Obviously a change in routine is pretty big if you're autistic. But changing pretty much everything in your entire world is possibly the hardest thing for an autistic person to go through. Let alone one that's eight. He's also been completely panicking about the flight and is currently refusing to go. He's saying scary things like he'll 'kill himself', so he 'won't have to go'. It's been quite distressing and a very fine balancing act to keep him from full meltdown every day. Things have got so bad I've been trying to get an emergency appointment with CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) to see if I can get some kind of tranquilliser to help get him on the plane, (if I'm having some, why can't he!) but it turns out we've been discharged from the service, even though we've been having regular appointments with them for the past two years.
I think part of the reason we're moving from the UK is to escape the woeful underfunding of vital services like this. How can you call somewhere designed to support you, a place that KNOWS your child, and tell them that child is threatening to harm themselves and be told, 'sorry, there's no help for months'...? To get 'put back into the system' will take nearly three months. I've had many teary calls with them over the past few days as they explain they have no appointments until February. 'BUT MY SON IS TALKING ABOUT KILLING HIMSELF, NOW. WHAT GOOD IS FEBRUARY WHEN WE FLY IN 9 DAYS?' - I wail into the void.
I did manage to call the airline (Etihad) and finally get through to someone (God, Covid has really messed up call centres hasn't it...?) I wanted to make sure they knew I was flying alone with an autistic son and an overly boisterous toddler and to put some kind of flag on my ticket that I might need help on the flight. Or onboard some extra gin at the very least. I spoke to a really lovely guy who had the most soothing voice and calmest manner. I almost offered him million$ to come with us on the flight. I feel like I could survive anything with him buckled up next to us talking us through it. He explained he could put 'special assistance needed' plus an explanation as to why on my booking, which he promptly did for me. - "Thank yooooou!" I sobbed "thank you for listening and doing something practical that might HELP" *Cue big sobbing snot bubbles* - I also contemplated asking him to add: 'Mum Passenger May Also Need A Cuddle From Cabin Crew Intermittently Throughout Flight' - but I didn't want to push my luck.
So I still don't have any tranquillisers for Woody, but I'm not giving up yet, there's still 9 days to go! I think I probably need to know I've got them 'just in case' rather than him really needing them. (or is that wishful thinking?) He's had sessions with a play therapist who has been working on his anxiety about going/flying. I've also been making 'Positivity Lists' about Australia. I've lost count of the number of times I've said in a strained, cheery voice, 'JUST THINK OF THE PUG PUPPY WE'LL GET WHEN WE GET THERE!!!!' - A Pug has been our secret weapon during all of this. They're Woody's favourite thing ever. We watch pug videos together every night to calm down before bed. I secretly love this time, because who doesn't love watching pug videos before they go to bed?....He's wanted a pug for so long. We could never have one in London with our teeny garden. Surely a change of house, change of routine, change of school, change of friendship circle, change of hemisphere, change of support network, a whole new accent and a 24HR flight, will all be worth it for PUG KISSES? - SURELY? I think I might actually be trying to convince myself too......Just focus on the Pug, just focus on the pug (repeat) AND breeeeeathe....!
(I might have to show him this Gif and tell him his future pug pal is waving hello
and saying; 'welcome to your new home, guys. All is goooood here'.)
Who knows where the next nine days will take us. But at the moment I'm all out of tears and I haven't even had to say all my Goodbyes yet. Oh and the TV's just gone and bloody broken....*sob!*...ffs, there I go crying again.....
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